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De deur weer uit

december 17, 2015
De deur uit

De deur weer uit

Inmiddels is Mick bijna 7 weken oud. Dat betekent dat de bevalling alweer 7 weken geleden is. Wat vliegt de tijd toch! Ik vind hem ook alweer zo groot geworden. Hij is al ruim 2 kledingmaten gegroeid! De afgelopen periode heb ik nogal in een bubbel geleefd. Al helemaal met het ziek zijn van Mick kwam ik de deur niet uit. De rust begint langzaam een beetje terug te keren hier in huis en we zijn inmiddels enigszins gewend aan het ritme met 2 kinderen. Voor mij wordt het tijd om langzaam maar zeker uit mijn bubbel te komen. Ik merk dat ik er behoefte aan heb om de deur weer uit te gaan. En dan bedoel ik, de deur uit zonder kinderen. Gewoon als mezelf en even niet als mama.

Dat de deur uit gaan heeft nog wel even wat voeten in aarde. Ik geef namelijk borstvoeding, dus zonder afgekolfde melk kunnen Mick en ik niet van elkaar gescheiden worden. Afgelopen week was ik uitgenodigd voor het afscheidsetentje van één van mijn liefste collega’s. Daar wilde ik graag bij zijn. Het was om de hoek, dus een prima eerste moment om er uit te gaan. Een week van te voren begon ik dus met kolven om zo een klein voorraadje op te bouwen. Ik wilde ook graag een wijntje drinken tijdens het eten, dus ik kon maar beter wat extra melk achter de hand houden.

Het afscheid nemen was nogal hectisch. Mijn vriend kwam net uit werk, dus we deden snel de overdracht. Hier is het eten voor Roos, hier staat de melk voor Mick, over twee uur moet hij drinken, voor 10 uur ben ik thuis, doei! Ik liet mijn vriend achter met twee huilende kinderen. Nooit leuk, maar over het algemeen zijn de tranen snel weer weg.

Wat was het heerlijk om er even uit te zijn! Even een paar uurtjes tijd voor mezelf, zonder constant op de kinderen te hoeven letten. Rustig kletsen zonder dat er doorheen geschreeuwd wordt. Verbazingwekkend ook hoe snel dat toch weer vertrouwd voelt. Even geen mama zijn, maar gewoon mezelf. Ja, want voordat ik mama werd waren er nog een heleboel dingen waarmee ik me bezig hield. In de paar hectische weken na de bevalling wil je dat nog wel eens een beetje vergeten.

Om half 10 fietste ik naar huis. Wat een vreemde gewaarwording was dat. Ik ging naar huis met een soort vrijheid, blijheid gevoel, maar op het moment dat ik de schuifpui opende en de kamer binnenstapte veranderde ik direct weer in een moedertje (niet dat, dat geen blijheid geeft, want dat geeft juist enorm veel blijheid, maar op een andere manier). Van het flierefluiter gevoel gingen mijn gedachten direct over naar de moederlijke planner: “Slaapt onder dreumes? Heeft ze goed gegeten? Waarom huilt Mick? Heeft hij buikkrampjes of moet hij drinken? Moet ik nog een flesje klaarmaken en zo ja, hoe laat? Etc, etc, etc…. Het eerste wat ik deed wat Mick oppakken en een dikke knuffel geven. Het was toch wel heerlijk om mijn kleine mannetje weer te zien. Het is heerlijk om de deur uit te gaan en plezier te maken, maar het is ook heerlijk om thuis te komen en mijn gezin weer in mijn armen te kunnen sluiten.

Herkennen jullie dat? Hoe verliep bij jullie je eerste keer op pad zonder je kleintje?

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